


Protocol T.H.I.E.F. (The Coffee Protocol)

by Lunatical



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Clint Barton is an idiot, Coffee Addict Everyone tbh, Coffee Addict Tony Stark, Crack, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Some Explicit Language, Tony Stark is Scary, and so is Pepper, because i cannot write anything else it seems, you can read the relationship between Steve and Tony however you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 10:36:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8442526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunatical/pseuds/Lunatical
Summary: How Tony Stark manages to have the most amazing coffee on the planet is and will always be a mystery, but the team isn't going to question it. It's a pity that Stark doesn't share his coffee with anyone, though.
OR
the one where Tony almost murders Clint for a cup of coffee, sleep-deprived geniuses shouldn't have access to dangerous weapons and Captain America has to save the day.





	

When Natasha entered the kitchen, she was greeted by the sight of Clint Barton- a.k.a. Hawkeye, one of the most skilled killers on the planet and a member of the Avengers-  sitting on the counter in his pajamas while sipping a cup of what, based on his expression, had to be Tony Stark’s coffee. The reason why she was able to deduce that was simple: Tony Stark had the best goddamned coffee that any of them had ever tasted, and since Clint Barton was the biggest coffee-addict she had ever seen (only beaten by Tony himself), his current expression was probably more fitting for someone who was in the middle of having really good sex instead of a grown man in Hello Kitty’s pajamas drinking a cup of coffee.

“You know that Stark’s going to kill you when he sees you, right?”

She felt a small smile pulling at her mouth when she saw him jump: it was hard to surprise someone as skilled as they were, and they had a competition between them for who could startle the other the most. She was winning, obviously.

Clint scoffed and righted himself, trying to hide his embarrassment for getting caught by surprise. He drank a bit more coffee before narrowing his eyes at Natasha.

“What Stark doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Besides, it’s just a cup. I’m sure he won’t notice.”

To demonstrate his point, he took another sip, before closing his eyes in bliss.

_Thank God for Tony’s money and for his amazing taste in coffee_ , he thought. It was a mystery how that coffee somehow tasted better than anything else on Earth, but he wasn’t going to question it.

He opened his eyes again to find Natasha smirking at him, a devious glint in her eyes that, quite honestly, made him uncomfortable.

 He was about to ask what had her so smug when she spoke again, and his blood ran cold.

“That would be true, if that wasn’t the last cup.” She smiled, showing just a bit of teeth, “I would know, since I drank the rest yesterday. But unlike you, I made sure to leave enough for another cup. I may be a very well trained killer, but I remember the last time someone drank Stark’s coffee: I don’t have a death wish, thank you very much.”

And she wasn’t joking: for all of Tony’s selflessness –he gave them a home, built them amazing equipment and paid for their every need, for fuck’s sake- there was one single thing he never shared, and that was his coffee.

He had made that clear when everyone moved in, but in the beginning they had just laughed at him. It wasn’t until a month later, when Thor accidentally drank all the coffee in the tower, that they found out exactly how serious he was.

A small shiver passed through her at the memory of that day: in her life she had seen few things scarier than a pissed off and non-caffeinated Tony Stark. But unfortunately, his coffee was too good to resist, so now they always made sure to steal it when he wouldn’t notice.

Clint apparently remembered too, judging by the way he sprang to his feet and let out a spring of curses that made Natasha raise a surprised eyebrow.

He passed a hand through his hair, messing it up, and tried to find a solution.

Suddenly he had an idea, and he looked up at the ceiling with hopeful eyes.

“Jarvis, can you order the same coffee that Tony usually gets? Pay it with my money and have it delivered as soon as possible. He’ll never notice anything, right? Right? Jarvis, I’m too young and beautiful to die.”

“I could, but I’m afraid it would be of no use, Agent Barton.” Came the reply from the AI. He actually sounded remorseful, even if a bit amused. “Sir is just coming up in the elevator.”

The way Clint paled would have been hilarious, but given the situation, Natasha just patted him on the back knowingly and said “Good luck, I’ll start to plan your funeral.”

Just as she finished speaking, the elevator dinged and an exhausted Tony emerged from the depths of his workshop. With a quick glance at his clothes, Natasha was able to say that he had probably been down there for at least 24 hours, and he cleraly only came up for coffee.

The genius stretched and yawned, before tiredly rubbing his eyes. “Hey J,” he said, entering the kitchen and waving at the two spies “start a fresh pot for me, will ya?”

The two agents watched as Jarvis smooth reply came from the ceiling and as Tony froze in the middle of the room.

“My apologies, Sir, but it appears as though there is no coffee left.”

Slowly, Tony turned to face the two agents, a smile that promised death on his face. Natasha squeezed Clint’s shoulder before taking a couple steps to the side; Tony noticed, and his eyes trained on the archer before asking in a sweet tone that made Clint grimace: “Jarvis, I distinctly remember that there was coffee here when I came up two days ago. Now I wonder, where did it go?”

He kept a smile on his face while never breaking eye contact with Clint, who was looking like a man waiting for his execution.

“It appears as though the last pot of coffee was brewed and consumed by agent Barton shortly before you came up, Sir.”

“Ah, I see. Jarvis, activate protocol tango-hotel-india-echo-foxtrot, please. Mark XXVII, and tell Pepper that I might need the constructing crew here.”

“Done, Sir. May I suggest calling the Captain to… _contain_ the situation?”

That seemed to jolt Clint out of his stupor, because he sprinted to the elevator.

“Yes! Call Cap and tell him that we need him right now! If Thor’s here call him as we- SHIT!” he rolled to the ground to avoid the Iron Man armor that came charging out of the elevator.

While the Mark XXVII started assembling, Clint took cover behind the couch before starting to try reasoning with the inventor.

“Tony, I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t realize it was the last cup, I didn’t mean to finish it, I promise I’ll buy you some as soon as possible. Come on, put away the armor, we’re friends right? Friends don’t shoot each other!”

“See, Barton, that would be a better argument in your favor if I hadn’t found an arrow inside my pancakes last week. You took my coffee. You _know_ that I don’t share my coffee!”

The archer yelped as a small repulsor blast hit the floor a couple of feet from him. Natasha stood in the kitchen, observing the scene. She was pretty sure that Tony wasn’t going to kill Clint. Like, 75% sure. Also, Cap was coming to help. She didn’t want to risk her life if she didn’t need to.

Just as she thought that, the elevator doors opened and Steve Rogers stepped out, shield in hand, accompanied by Thor: they both looked quite alarmed at seeing Clint hiding behind a couch and Tony in his full iron man armor.

“Clint finished Tony’s coffee.” She supplied, smiling at them when they both jumped “Stark’s not happy.”

Steve closed his eyes in an ever-suffering expression, while Thor seemed to pale at the mere memory of Tony’s rage. Steve took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and schooled his expression into a scowl.

“Tony.”

_Oh shit_ , thought Natasha, _that’s his Captain America Is Disappointed In You™ voice, he must be pissed._

“Get out of the armor and stop threatening Clint.”

“Cap!” Clint looked so relieved to see him that it was almost funny “Oh thank God, you’re here…”

“Hey Capsicle, how are you doing?” the faceplate opened, and Natasha could see the slight maniacal grin on Tony’s face “Clint here finished all of my coffee, and I’ve been awake for something like 30 hours, and I have a board meeting this evening. So, you see, I really need some coffee, that unfortunately isn’t here, because Clint drank it all. I’m not going to tell Pepper that I won’t go to the meeting, because that woman scares me and I don’t want her to kill me with her stilettoes or something, but I can’t go and talk to the board without coffee, that Clint here finished, and-”

“Tony. Stop. You’re rambling. I understand your frustration, but I don’t think that murdering Clint will help you. _However_ ,” he added, when Tony looked like he was about to interrupt him “I’m sure that Clint won’t mind telling Miss Potts what happened, and I’m sure she’ll understand. This way you can also sleep, because staying awake for 30+ hours thanks to caffeine is not healthy.”

Tony grinned and bit his lip, looking at Steve from under his lashes.

“Only if you tuck me in, Captain.”

Natasha was expecting Steve to blush and stammer at the clear invitation in Tony’s words, but to her surprise he just nodded with a serious expression.

“Deal. Now get out of that armor. Clint,” he turned to the archer “you call Miss Potts and explain to her what happened, and that Tony cannot be at the meeting today. Do you understand?”

Clint’s shoulders slumped in defeat, while Tony, still grinning, told Jarvis to send the suit back to the workshop.

Thor, Clint and Natasha stared incredulously after their team leaders, who entered the elevator together, leaving the trio standing there, dumbfounded.

After a minute of silence, Clint asked “Do you guys think they are fucking?”

Natasha shrugged and then smiled “I don’t know, but while we find out, I think you have a call to make.”

 

She left to make some breakfast to the sound of Clint groaning.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this fic even if it was kind of silly.
> 
> If you find any grammar errors or mistakes in general please let me now.  
> P.S: I don't have a beta reader right now, but I'm looking for one so if you are interested hit me up!
> 
> you can also find me on tumblr [here](http://lunaticalwriter.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


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